Last Updated on October 28, 2024

Who do you want to be?

Sometimes in life we face “impossible” or “no win” situations.

Like maybe you are in conflict with someone.

They are just having a bad day.

Or responding out of past trauma.

So no matter what you do, they will get mad at you.

You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

What I find most helpful in such situations is to ask myself a simple question:

“Who do I want to be?”

In general, I’d strongly prefer that people not be angry at me.

But if someone is going to get mad at me no matter what I do, then it’s not a matter of trying to prevent them from getting mad at me.

It’s more about how I want to be given that they will be mad at me.

Living your values

Or maybe there’s a situation in the world that we feel powerless to do anything about.

I can think of a few right now.

If I was an all-powerful being, I’d stop the world from destroying the Earth and fighting wars and committing genocide.

But that’s not up to me.

What is up to me is how I want to be given that people are going to do what they do.

As long as I’m being who I want to be, living by my deepest values and principles, I’m doing exactly the right thing in that situation.

And I also fail at that too a lot, and that’s OK.

Because one of my values is to be kind to myself when I fail to live up to my values!

In this mindset, I cannot lose.

No matter what I do, I am being who I want to be.

This isn’t just a helpful trick for no-win situations.

It’s also a good approach for everyday life.

Or even for forming new habits.

I’m currently re-listening to the extremely popular book Atomic Habits by James Clear.

It’s one of the few self-help books I think is actually quite good!

In it, he talks about focusing not on what you want to have, the outcomes or goals you want to reach.

But instead focusing on what kind of person you want to be, and then doing things that are in alignment with that.

One example he gives is of someone he knows that lost 100 lbs and kept it off by asking themselves one simple question:

“What would a healthy person do here?”

By asking themselves this question in many different contexts, they started eating better and exercising more.

For me, I want to be a wise, kind, and empowered person.

So I’ve started asking myself, “What would a wise, kind, and powerful person do?”

Am I that way all the time?

Of course not!

That’s why I’m asking the question. 😆

I am often foolish, opinionated, or shut down.

But by repeatedly asking this question, I can focus on who I want to be more and more.

And bit by bit, I can grow into becoming my ideal self.

What kind of person do you want to become?

And what kind of question could you ask yourself that would help you become that person more and more?

Take care,

~Duff
(they/them)