Last Updated on January 20, 2025

There’s no such thing as “self-sabotage”

I was recently invited by some wonderful friends of mine to join a free program.

It’s a program for coaches designed to help people go from insight to action.

Today is the official first day of the program.

And I just dropped out.

Worldviews create worlds

I didn’t know what I was getting into.

But the first video in the program told me everything I needed to know.

The coach leading the program — who seems like a genuinely nice and sincere guy — taught us his worldview:

He believes that every time anyone experiences a negative emotion for more than one second, they are engaged in “self-sabotage.”

He gave an analogy:

Imagine putting your hand on a hot stove.

The pain you feel is good, because it helps you to remove your hand instantly.

But if you keep feeling pain without taking immediate action, you are, according to him, “self-sabotaging.”

He invited us to also adopt his worldview.

But there’s only one problem:

I’ve already got a wonderful way of seeing the world that’s working for me.

One that accounts for needless suffering but without the idea of unconscious “sabotage.”

It’s not that this “self-sabotage” model of the world can’t get sh*t done.

It definitely can.

It’s just that this approach has some side-effects that I’d rather not have.

For most of my life, I lived in that world, because I had that worldview.

That way of seeing things lead me to anxiety, burnout, and suicidal depression.

But now I’ve found a far better way.

And I’m never going back.

From self-sabotage to self-love

The idea of “self-sabotage” implies that some parts of you are bad.

This philosophy sees the bad parts as having negative intentions.

It assumes parts of you are trying to stop you from achieving good things in your life.

So this fellow’s strategy is to cultivate “Self-Command” as he puts it.

In other words, you need to dominate and control the bad parts of yourself.

Then you’ll be able to force yourself into action.

He doesn’t say it quite so plainly.

But it’s implied from the idea of “sabotage” and “command” and so on.

While I’m sure he doesn’t want this, I can easily see this way of thinking adding shame on top of suffering.

Such that any time a graduate of his program feels bad for more than one second, they might interpret this as sabotaging themselves.

Or if your child, partner, friend, or co-worker feels bad, you might see them as self-sabotaging.

I think there’s a much better way.

What I believe is this:

Any time I or anyone else feels bad, that’s an opportunity to love.

Every emotion wants wholeness

You don’t have to love in that moment of suffering, but there’s a wonderful opportunity, should you choose to do so.

And love is what heals.

So every time anyone feels bad for any reason whatsoever, for however long that feeling is there, healing can happen.

Wonderful!

And it’s also great when the unpleasant feeling resolves.

So whether you feel good, or whether you feel bad, it’s great either way.

In fact, not only is feeling bad an opportunity for love, I see the very part of me that feels bad as attempting to do something good.

So it’s already trying to love.

It might be going about it in a very ineffective way.

But it’s still trying to do good.

In my world, all parts of me, and all parts of you, have a deeply positive intention.

But does love get things done?

Most people believe the only way to motivate action is through fear and pain.

That’s what we call The Punishment Paradigm.

Luckily there is a much better way.

We call it The Progress Paradigm.

It’s the idea that we can motivate ourselves and others with love and joy.

Not only does it work to get things done, it works far better than The Punishment Paradigm.

Like infinitely better.

It works with dolphins, with dogs, with children, with students, with employees, and yes, with parts of ourselves.

And instead of creating side-effects of shame, anxiety, anger, and burnout, it creates the side-effects of improved relationships, more happiness, and greater aliveness.

“But does it really work?”

I get it.

Love and joy seem too cheesy to work.

And yet, this past week I got in almost 9 extra hours working on my business.

That’s on top of client work, day job work, cooking, cleaning, exercising, and so on.

I didn’t do this because I “commanded” my bad, sabotaging parts into submission.

I didn’t suddenly become more “disciplined.”

Instead, I tapped into a joyful flow state.

I was focused on how much these new projects will help other people.

And how by helping more people, I could also make more money, as a side-effect.

That’s the world I live in, because of the worldview I’m cultivating.

It’s a world where love and joy bring about more love and joy, for everyone.

If you want to create this world for yourself, consider joining my Joy of Doing weekly coaching group.

Even new members say that it feels like a remarkably loving and kind place.

And I think you might agree that we could use a little more love in the world right now.

Take care,

 

 

 

~Duff
(they/them)