Last Updated on December 2, 2024
How to create habits (even if you suck at it)
I’ve often heard neurodivergent folks say that it’s impossible for them to create habits.
Or even that it’s impossible for any neurodivergent person to create habits.
Speaking as someone who is autistic as fuck, I beg to differ.
That said, it was a lot harder for me than I expected going into it.
But there are some keys that made it work for me.
What all habit methods have in common
My life’s biggest struggle has been doing the things I want to be doing.
So about a decade ago I decided to study the art of creating habits.
I read books like Mini Habits and Tiny Habits and Atomic Habits.
You might notice a theme here.
What actually works to create new habits is to make them absurdly small.
So small that it takes zero willpower to do them.
There’s no such thing as too small
No matter how small you think you are making it, it’s still probably a thousand times too big.
It’s the difference between “I will exercise for 30 minutes 5 days a week” and “After using the bathroom in the morning, I will put on my workout clothes.”
The first is massive compared to the second.
Once you can get the tiny habit down, the full activity becomes a lot easier.
Because the hardest part is getting started.
So one key to creating new habits is to aim for just getting started.
The most successful I’ve ever been at keeping up a regular meditation practice is when I committed to doing one minute of meditation every day.
When I thought about doing one minute of meditation, it seemed absurdly easy.
So I did it without any hesitation.
I also told myself, “If I’m having fun, I can keep going!”
And usually, I did.
As a rule of thumb, if it takes more than about 10 seconds and any more willpower than blinking three times, it’s too big.
Mini, tiny, atomic, subatomic habits even, that’s what you’re going for.
You can always grow a tiny seed of a habit bigger.
But you can’t grow dirt!
There’s no such thing as too specific
It’s also important to make new habits incredibly specific.
Like annoyingly, painfully specific.
What exactly is the action you are going to perform?
“Eat healthy” is entirely too vague, so is “exercise” or “meditate.”
Whereas “cook oatmeal” or “do one pushup” or “focus on sensations of the breath at the nostrils for one minute” is getting there.
Ideally the context is also completely specified.
In other words, where exactly are you doing the thing?
If you’re meditating, are you going to sit on the couch, on a meditation cushion on the floor, lie in bed, or some place else?
When will you do it?
By “when” I mean after what action completes or after what sensory-specific cue occurs?
Like “After I brush my teeth, I will floss one tooth.”
That’s the classic “tiny habit” B.J. Fogg gives as an example.
Or “After I hear my smart speaker remind me it’s time to go to the gym, I will put on my running shoes.”
Remember, absurdly tiny is key.
And are you doing this thing by yourself or with others?
Sometimes the key to creating a new habit is simply to schedule a time to do the thing with someone else!
So now you have a quantum-particle-size habit, and you have the what, where, when, and with whom totally specified.
Make it feel automatic
When neurodivergent people say they can’t create habits, often what they mean is that things they do regularly don’t feel automatic.
It still feels subjectively like it takes effort or willpower, even to do things like brush their teeth or take a shower.
This is because we are still missing one key ingredient, the feeling tone, the energy you are bringing to it.
In other words, the adverb.
Are you doing the thing “begrudgingly,” “stressfully,” or “willfully”?
Or are you doing it “easily,” “automatically,” “effortlessly,” or even “joyfully”?
Try this simple exercise.
Raise your hand over your head forcefully, like you’re a powerlifter.
Now repeat the exercise, but raise your hand gracefully, like you’re a tai chi master.
Same action, but totally different feel to it.
Use mental rehearsal
You can play around with different adverbs, but if it feels like you’re doing it “stressfully” and you want to do it “automatically,” you can.
You can do this by playing pretend, in your imagination.
You can simply imagine that your tiny, microscopic habit happens automatically, without thinking, and just imagine what that would feel like!
I like to imagine I’m just a robot, programmed to do that action immediately.
Then I mentally rehearse that 20, 30, 40 times in a row.
I do these “reps” not only to drill it in, but also to practice making it feel automatic.
To paraphrase hypnotist Anthony Jaquin, “Pretend it happens automatically, then pretend you aren’t pretending.”
And the final key is to have an experimental attitude.
Be willing to fail at it without beating yourself up.
Be kind to yourself and learn from each attempt.
Hopefully this gives you the keys to creating your own new habits in 2025.
These simple strategies have helped me to effortlessly exercise five days a week, meditate two hours a day, and write 150,000+ words for my book manuscript.
I wonder what’s possible for you when you create the habits you want?
Take care,
~Duff
(they/them)
P.S. If you want to have group support for creating new habits in the new year, join my weekly coaching group The Joy of Doing! We meet weekly on Sundays for about an hour at 11 AM Denver time.
Starting in January I’m going to be teaching my best stuff for overcoming procrastination and creating new habits. Only $47 a month.
